Alton: So everyone I would like to welcome Reid Mihalko who is a sex and relationship educator, speaker, workshop designer, facilitator and writer.
Alton: Hey Reid so how was the first weekend of workshops.
Reid Mihalko: Thanks, Alton. Welcome guys! Thanks for having me…
Alton: For the guys online there was a panel on group sex parties and their history last Thursday.
Jason: I’m interested in the flirting workshop.
Reid Mihalko: The men that came to all of the workshops were awesome.
Alton: Nice…
Reid Mihalko: The Speed-Flirting was of particular importance to me.
Alton: Okay let’s start there.
Reid Mihalko: Since it was the first time anywhere that the workshop happened.
Jason: Cool
Reid Mihalko: The launch went really well. It’s a workshop devoted to an evening of exploring the fun and play in meeting people.
Alton: As an attendee of the flirting workshop I think it was good information that was challenging as well.
Reid Mihalko: Challenging yes, and I hope it was fun. Was it?
Alton Do you feel that connection with other men is a challenge in our community?
Reid Mihalko: Well, I feel that deep connection is.
Jason: So what is your best pick up line Reid?
Reid Mihalko: So much of our meeting other men, especially in the gay scene is about hitting on one another or scoping one another out.
Robert: Got to hear this one.
Reid Mihalko: We don’t “play” anymore.
Reid Mihalko: My best pickup line, huh?
Alton: Sort of like your metaphor about grade school children?
Reid Mihalko: I like asking people directly if they’d be interested in a no-holds barred flirt-test.
Jason: What’s that look like?
Reid Mihalko: I really enjoy engaging people in flirting full-out.
Reid Mihalko: Playing with meeting one another and just really diving into the fun of connecting and trying to.
Jason: Okay so do you just go up to a guy and make out?
Reid Mihalko: Get one another to blush, to smile, to laugh.
Jason: Okay this I have to see I was mentioning before that this isn’t the norm.
Reid Mihalko: The metaphor of being in grade school is that you basically just ask them if they want to play.
Alton: From what I learned in class it’s about challenging these norms.
Reid Mihalko: As LA gay men, we of course take that to mean “let’s go get it on” which is fine, but limits the fun, the tease, and the play.
Robert: Not everyone wants to play…
Reid Mihalko: Going straight to bed is fun, but it’s basically only using one color in a whole box of crayons that you’ve got, if you can follow the metaphor.
Reid Mihalko: Yeah, it’s not the norm, and yes, not everyone wants to play, but.
Reid Mihalko: Giving people permission to use more than just one crayon opens up whole new ways of connecting and meeting people. When it’s just about “hey, let’s hook up: then you only get to know a limited side of that someone.
Reid Mihalko: I want to challenge the norms and see what’s there that we’re missing.
Alton: So what you are talking about is those different ways of connecting.
Reid Mihalko: Even the hot guys have a whole side to them that you don’t get to see/meet when you’re just trying to take them home.
Jason: I’m not always wanting to hookup but I don’t usually get to figure that out until later.
Reid Mihalko: Have fun flirting for a while and you can take them home later, or, in the case of being in a relationship for a while.
Robert: Hmmm meeting up with people.
Reid Mihalko: Bringing the flirtation BACK into your relationship is SO great!
Reid Mihalko: I think, as queer men, we get used to making it all about the hook up.
Alton: So you mention that this sense of play isn’t there anymore what do you think has changed this?
Reid Mihalko: We have the cultural permission as gay men that it’s okay to hook up quickly and we place so much pressure on that, on making the hooking up.
Reid Mihalko: The “goal” or “game” that we can only be winners or losers.
Alton: From what you are saying there isn’t just one goal, there are many to play with.
Reid Mihalko: The pressure to perform kills the play. When you’re just flirting and by flirting, I mean a much larger definition than just, “hey, what’s your sign?”.
Reid Mihalko: Then there is no winner or loser. It’s just fun. Of course.
Reid Mihalko: The risk in it is that maybe no one wants to play with us. And that can be scary.
Jason: Sounds like a different way of looking at things.
Reid Mihalko: I like introducing different perspectives. I think they can be VERY liberating. Maybe it isn’t “your thing” but it might help open up other areas of your life.
Reid Mihalko: “Flirting” becomes a metaphor for any area in your life.
Robert: That’s a different way of looking at it.
Reid Mihalko: That you want to connect and play with people in. And so many of us are, in a way, stuck in 7th grade.
Alton: I found it to be pretty refreshing and one of the comments that really helped me out with that.
Reid Mihalko: 7th grade was HELL on me!
Alton: By thanking the other guy for taking care of themselves, softened the blow in a way it they were to say no.
Reid Mihalko: I was the fat, goofy kid who played connect four and read comic books.
Jason: The dreaded no.
Reid Mihalko: Yeah, thanking people and empowering them is a HUGE THING!
Robert: I’d say that we have all been there.
Reid Mihalko: I talk about that in almost all of my workshops.
Reid Mihalko: Rejection is a fear that almost all people have.
Alton: Okay great, so how was all of this great stuff brought into Gay Men’s Tantra?
Alton: Just a note for our participants Gay Men’s tantra was a sacred sexuality class that explored different lovemaking techniques and communication skills helpful for deepening intimacy and connection.
Reid Mihalko: With the Men’s tantra class…
Jason: Now we are talking.
Alton: Yes the tantra class.
Reid Mihalko: The goal was to lay the foundation for the men in the class to understand what tantra is and how to “decode” it if you ever take a tantra class that’s hetero-normative. You know male-female based.
Robert: Is this similar to yoga?
Reid Mihalko: It’s like yoga in that it’s from India.
Alton: So balancing male and female energy.
Reid Mihalko: And it is a “practice.”
Alton: So how was this done from a gay perspective?
Reid Mihalko: Tantra is the practice of deepening one’s awareness and facility with sexual energy and how to be a better lover of life, not just another.
Reid Mihalko: So you can get pretty far out there and “woo-woo” with it, but teach it from a VERY pragmatic point of view.
Alton: Could you elaborate on that?
Reid Mihalko: Sure.
Jason: Isn’t this different sex positions and stuff.
Reid Mihalko: For instance, as gay men( and straight men do it too), so many of us are focused on the orgasm.
Robert: What wrong with that?
Reid Mihalko: Nothing’s wrong with that, Robert in advanced tantra, we learn positions and breathing techniques to extend sex so that we have more control over.
Alton: So is tantra taking ones attention from orgasm and moving that awareness toward sharing energy with your partner?
Reid Mihalko: Our bodies and with that control we then can shift our awareness to the other person.
Reid Mihalko: Shift more awareness to ourselves too. When sex is just about the orgasm, it’s like your back to coloring with only one crayon in the box. You miss out on all these other colors.
Alton: My belief has been that we as gay men hold both energies male and female. Coming from this standpoint how does this play out in a session?
Reid Mihalko: All men hold both energies. Women too. So, in tantra.
Alton: What colors are in this box you speak of? I’ve heard orgasm in one of them.
Robert: I like getting off though that’s where I’m at.
Reid Mihalko: Especially with a partner, you’re going on a journey.
Reid Mihalko: An adventure, and that usually builds intimacy. In tantra, we’re just using sexual energy as the gateway to deeper relationships. Even if you’re just hooking up with a stranger off of Craigslist you can bring all of this deft knowledge into play and really rock their world.
Robert: Or adam4 adam …J
Reid Mihalko: yep!
Alton: So Reid we are coming up on the last few minutes of the chat did you want to say anything about future projects coming up.
Reid Mihalko:: I’ll be teaching a workshop next week called “Putting the Art in Partnership” at the Center. It’s for anyone wanting better tools to take their relationships to the next level from true “partnership.”
Jason: What about us single guys…
Reid Mihalko: There’s info on the Center’s site under Learning Curve, or you can go to my site www.reidmihalko.com
Alton: Okay great, well guys I wanted to thank Reid for joining us on tonight’s chat. If you would like more info check out the aforementioned website.
Reid Mihalko: If you sign up for my newsletter, I’ll send you announcements on what’s new. I’m also available for private coaching for anyone interested in relationship coaching of any kind.
Reid Mihalko: Thank you, Alton!
Alton: And if you would like to meet other guys who are working on things like this come out to the Mind Body and Soul classes where we have Yoga, Meditation and discussion groups.
Reid Mihalko: Good night guys! And keep up the great work, Alton~
Alton: Thanks man…
Jason: Thanks
Robert: Good night
HI
Posted by: STORMHAMADA | April 24, 2009 at 03:47 PM