Chat transcript 12/18/07
Ctrl, Alt, Delete Sex
(Please be advised that strong language was used in the following.)
MichaelHauser: Darren, do you ever feel like on-line life is an avoidance of life off-line?
MichaelHauser: Everything in balance. But I think having casual sex, ultimately becomes so routine, you have to go deeper.
Darren (guest): No, but sometimes I go online when I don't have anything else to do, to pass the time, meet people and sometimes the occasional hook up.
Alton (guest): I think many of us do this.
MichaelHauser: What did we do when there wasn't an on-line community?
delicateflower (guest): go out to the clubs and have sex
Darren (guest): It's funny you ask that I wasn't out when there wasn't an online community.
Darren (guest): I actually found the community through the internet in my college years when it was first starting in 1996
Darren (guest): The internet community that is
MichaelHauser: What I'm not hearing in this short conversation is. Yeah, I meet people, we build a relationship, we become friends, we date, we commit to eachother, then we
have sex.
MichaelHauser: Darren, so, all you know is the online community.
Alton (guest): But what about those people that just go to the internet for sex.
Darren (guest): I wouldn't say that I
Darren (guest): I just started learning about the gay community through the internet then I met friends, came out and the rest is history.
delicateflower (guest): I think that when you are in a relationship everything changes, but before you get in that relationship you play around as much as you can
MichaelHauser: Clarity is very powerful. Wanting sex is what it is. But I'm certain, those seeking sex online are seeking more than sex. They're seeking a soul connection.
Alton (guest): Great point Michael in your article you mentioned that we're raised in the awareness that flesh is king, we get hypnotized into thinking that intimacy is the act of
getting laid.
MichaelHauser: DelicateFlower: what does playing around look like for you? how many times have you had sex this month?
delicateflower (guest): about 20 times
MichaelHauser: 20 times. and out of those 20 times, you felt what?
delicateflower (guest): its hard to connect when you are not ready to
delicateflower (guest): i felt good and wanted
MichaelHauser: so you're not ready to connect on a soul level, but on a physical level?
Darren (guest): What's connecting on a soul level?
delicateflower (guest): i think so, i am not ready to connect on a soul level yet i just want to have fun
MichaelHauser: For me, a soul connection is when I meet someone and it's not ALL about sex. It's about sharing parts of our wounded self, and other places in our lives we
seldom hide from one another.
MichaelHauser: DFlower: I think it's great that you're clear on not wanting to connect on a soul level. but one day you will. I'm suggesting you start now developing the skills to
do so.
Darren (guest): But how do you get to that place of showing your wounded self if the guys you meet aren't interested in that and just leave?
MichaelHauser: That's what I'm saying. Where are you meeting these guys? What's the percentage of guys you meet online and offline?
********** at 7:22 PM LongBeachLatino joined the room
Darren (guest): For sex online I meet about 75%, offline I'd say that it's about 25%
Alton (guest): Hello LongBeach Latino welcome
LongBeachLatino: Hello Guys, Long Time Listner, First Time User, LOL!
MichaelHauser: Then I'd say you might want to consider to reverse that. Make meeting guys offline 75%. And if you're wanting to have a soul connection, meeting other men
who just want sex is what you're going to get.
LongBeachLatino: sex is a no brainer, it takes no effort.
Darren (guest): Meeting guys offline just doesn't happen I go out have fun with my friends but don't really meet other people so are you saying I should just stop using the
internet? That doesn't make sense
********** at 7:26 PM AbFab101 (guest) left the room
Darren (guest): Believe me I'm out there seeing a lot of people but no connections are occuring.
MichaelHauser: I'd say if you want to meet men, meet them off line. Why are you meeting men online and not off line?
********** at 7:28 PM abfab101 (guest) joined the room
Darren (guest): I meet them online because its easier.
MichaelHauser: What makes it easier? Break it down for me.
Darren (guest): It's easier because I don't have to deal with the attitude in the bars for one.
Alton (guest): Oh that isn't so much fun.
MichaelHauser: LBeach: you're right sex is a no brainer. it's pretty easy. and what happens it gets easier and easier, and before you know it. you're having sex 20 times or so a
month because it's so easy. At the end of the day you're spent.
delicateflower (guest): i have the skills i just like playing right now, i have been in long term relationships and now is time to play
LongBeachLatino: look guys, sex is a no brainer, when a guy wants it he will get it. Nothing will stop a man from getting what he wants.
MichaelHauser: If you're looking for a relationship I'd suggest putting together the longest list possible of every quality you're seeking in a person.
Darren (guest): I've made the lists, I've done that and I'm still not finding quality guys, sometimes it gets frustruting.
MichaelHauser: DFlower: If playing is what you want, and you're happy, them more power to you. are you playing safely?
MichaelHauser: Stick to the list. Empower yourself with the attitude that 'no man is getting this, unitl he fits what I'm looking for.
delicateflower (guest): yes of course you have to now a days
MichaelHauser: Great!
Darren (guest): Time is ticking and its really getting discouraging.
MichaelHauser: TIme? How old are you?
Darren (guest): 30
MichaelHauser: 30 is a great time in your life.
Alton (guest): There's a lot of guys out there Darren.
MichaelHauser: Do you typically ask men out, or they ask you out. Either on line or off?
Darren (guest): I don't typically ask men out I usually wait offline. Online I go after them because its easy.
LongBeachLatino: True
MichaelHauser: Answer this question. Would you rather be respected for your thoughts or cherished for your feelings?
Darren (guest): I'd rather be cherished for my feelings?
delicateflower (guest): i rather be respected for my thoughts
MichaelHauser: D: When you go after them, what them are you referring to? Them as in sex objects? or Them as potential dates.
Darren (guest): It's usually both depending on how the meeting goes.
Darren (guest): When I say them I mean guys
MichaelHauser: You can't have your feet in two different worlds. Either it's sex or it's buidling a relationship by dating them.
LongBeachLatino: I belive you should f--- around until Love knocks you on your ass
Darren (guest): I think sex should be in the meantime before meeting a partner.
MichaelHauser: Darren: If you want a relationship, the odds of finding one thru sex are slim.
********** at 7:42 PM FuglyBetsey (guest) joined the room
LongBeachLatino: love is a gift not something you plan or study for or go to the gym for or make enough money for.
FuglyBetsey (guest): Its cold outside...who wants to warm me up from the inside?
Darren (guest): I'm not saying that I'm looking for a relationship through sex, there are sex buddies and there date potentials.
MichaelHauser: Have all the sex you want, but I've found thru my own sexual acting out, it left me empty in the long run.
********** at 7:43 PM FuglyBetsey (guest) left the room
LongBeachLatino: hey sex is sex, enjoy it, dont punush it. when love comes around you will know.
LongBeachLatino: sex and love making is two different worlds
MichaelHauser: sex and love making are two different worlds, but the love making is not showing up that much in the community.
Alton (guest): That is true longbeachlatino but I think we are talking about those 2 worlds
Alton (guest): Could you talk about this lovemaking Michael?
LongBeachLatino: then so be it, all in favor of f------ around until love kicks you in the ass, say "I"
LongBeachLatino: "I"
delicateflower (guest): I
MichaelHauser: Love making is what I would say there is a commitment to healthy intimacy, communication, a real desire to communicate, thru sex, love.
delicateflower (guest): i had that once
MichaelHauser: then you know the difference.
Darren (guest): Sometimes these sound like great words but when you don't see it. You just deal in your own way.
MichaelHauser: How do you deal with it?
Alton (guest): These things are available to you Darren.
MichaelHauser: Yes Alton, thank you.
LongBeachLatino: I belive that every guy should f--- around unitl they are in their late 20's early 30's, then once your done being a slut, then grow up.
Darren (guest): I know that on some level but when it's not happening I think that something is wrong with me.
MichaelHauser: Nothing is wrong with you.
delicateflower (guest): i believe that to some extend just remember to you use protection
MichaelHauser: LBeach: that doesn't work for everyone.
LongBeachLatino: there is nothing more pathetic to see a guy in his late 30's or early 40's trying to act kool and/or act young again.
MichaelHauser: Too each his own.
Alton (guest): Now, now let's not be too harsh..
LongBeachLatino: no, get it out of your system when your young, be responsible when your hittimg half a century.
Alton (guest): But what about those guys who come out later in there lives like 30, 40, or even 50?
LongBeachLatino: in todays world, get serious.............
MichaelHauser: So you're hitting mid life and then you look back and see that you f----- your way to your 40's and have no real intimacy skills because you've been fucking
objects for years instead of learning to build loving, caring relationships.
LongBeachLatino: that all comes when love kicks you in the ass.
Darren (guest): I am getting it out of my system but again it's discouraging. Without the internet I think it would be even harder. You keep mentioning intimacy skills, but what
good is all that if you don't have someone to teach you that.
LongBeachLatino: when true love happens, EVERYthing comes to play
LongBeachLatino: until then, f--- it, have fun!!!! jsut dont be undafe.
LongBeachLatino: unsafe.
Alton (guest): Safe is a very important thing to follow.
MichaelHauser: You don't have to wait for a relationship for everything to come into play in your life. love of self makes everything come into play.
LongBeachLatino: like i keep saying, f--- around until its out of your system, then once your much older and have been brazy, then be all serious.
MichaelHauser: i'm not an adovate of that.
Darren (guest): Believe me I have done the self love thing and know myself very well almost to the extent of feeling like I'm a loner now and can't relate to others.
MichaelHauser: You sound like you need to find like minded people.
LongBeachLatino: i cant stand hearing an older guy say " I wish" "I wish", blah, blah, blah, should have done it when you where younger.
delicateflower (guest): Darren you are f----- up
MichaelHauser: Dflower. not very supportive.
Alton (guest): Now, now again some people don't come out at the same time LongBeachLatino.
delicateflower (guest): i think that being a loner is not a good thing
LongBeachLatino: i am now at a time in my life where life needs to be more serious, but let me tell you, i can die tonight and say I definatly lived ALOT of life!
MichaelHauser: Our time is ending soon. If you're looking for real relationships that are more than fucking, then stop f------ in the first place.
Alton (guest): That's great...
LongBeachLatino: hey hey hey, dont knock the f------! LOL!
LongBeachLatino: sex is the one thing we are not taxed on or have to pay for.
MichaelHauser: And then find places that interest you, that empower you.
Alton (guest): Yes, everyone we are closing up the chat in a few minutes but I wanted to thank Michael for coming out tonight. Did you have any last comments Michael?
MichaelHauser: Build up your self esteem. That you can be in a close relationship without sex.
delicateflower (guest): trust me you will get tired Longbeachlatino you will get tired, i have been right there and got tired soon
LongBeachLatino: a realtionship with out sex will lead to cheating
Alton (guest): You can read more about Michael in the frontiers section of Spirit/Mind/Body and ConsciousLiving.
MichaelHauser: I'm having a workshop on gay dating. Check out my website. livingvertically.com for more info.
LongBeachLatino: more power to ya MH
Alton (guest): Thank you for your time Michael it was great. any last questions or comments guys?
MichaelHauser: Thank you Alton for the opportunity.
delicateflower (guest): thank you Michael
********** at 8:00 PM delicateflower (guest) left the room
MichaelHauser: Hey Guys. I know how it is out there. Be gentle with yourself. There are no wrong ways or right ways, but there are alternative ways to find out about
relationships.
MichaelHauser: You're all very welcome. Stay in touch. Happy Holidays.
********** at 8:01 PM LongBeachLatino left the room
Alton (guest): Hi Darren, come check out our events on the website there is plenty of stuff for you to meet other guys offline.
Alton (guest): Have you heard of One Key Away?
Darren (guest): What's that?
Alton (guest): It's a speed dating event where you meet guys online then you come to a venue to meet the guys you saw online in a fun safe environment.
Darren (guest): Hmmm, that's interesting...
Alton (guest): Yah, just email me at acarswell@lagaycenter.org and I can get you the details. Okay
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